Long-Term Couples

Long term couples face a myriad of challenges, not the least of which is a dearth of real information on long term couples.  As part of a couple for almost 30 years now, I know personally how the relationship can change and morph over the decades and various kinds of problems rear their ugly heads.  My partner Micheal (yes, another one) and I were in our early 20’s when we met.  As a friend recently pointed out to me, we actually grew up together.  Growing up is a messy business.

My mother and father were married even earlier, but their marriage lasted only 21 years.  They had difficulties and could not continue.

Over the last decade or so, research is surfacing about long term couples, and its kind of surprising.  One researcher debunks the myths that “arguing equals trouble,” and “opposites attract” among others.  He says that none of the myths apply if the couple can generate and maintain (or simply remember) positive emotions from their partner.  If you have a sufficient “bank account” of positive interactions as a couple, he says, you can weather almost any emotional storm. 

But if your relationship is made up of mostly negative emotions, you’re cruising toward separation, either emotionally or physically or both.  Seems self-evident, but over the course of a long term relationship, habits develop without us noticing.

One habit we tend toward is monogamy.  Traditionally, the reputation of same-sex couples is that they are not monogamous.  Some studies have shown that up to two-thirds of long term same-sex couples are not monogamous.  But for those couples, what does that mean?  There’s a lot of opposite-sex couples who aren’t monogamous either – we call that having an affair.

Well, two researchers have solicited and surveyed 86 long term non-monogamous same-sex couples about the impact of their non-monogamy.  The study seems to indicate that of those who participated, 75% described “solely positive impact.”  From my reading though, the primary positive impact is  that 78% said “being open [about outside sex] gave them a sexual outlet without having to lie…”  Personally, I think the study is skewed by self-selection of the participants but the results are interesting nonetheless.

John Gray, author of MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS, says there are five traits of long-term loving couples, and the first is “communicate, communicate, communicate.”

In this cynical live-together world of romance today, you might be surprised that long-term couples are still getting married.  Yes, actually married, after years of unwedded bliss, Anna Carey reports.

If you are in a long term opposite-sex relationship, you can participate in important couples research by joining this study out of Stonybrook University.  Another couples study for couples of all genders comes out of Southern Methodist University.

Whatever your genders, if you’re in a long term couple, you know the challenges and rewards that come from it.  You can’t make problems just disappear, but you can create more of the cement that holds you together in the face of those problems.  As this new year approaches, let’s commit to creating more positive emotional experiences with our partners.  Let’s not rely on happenstance, let’s actually go out and create those experiences deliberately. 

Happy New Year!

www.ManifestationCoaching.com

Letter About Christmas

Normally, I detest chain emails.  Though I almost always am drawn to read them, I still find them an annoying waste of time.  But this email, below, is a little different.  It’s not complaining, and its not cynical.  I share it here in hopes that you and yours will have a wonderful Christmas and New Year, and any other holiday you celebrate!

Letter from Jesus about Christmas --

Dear Children,

It has  come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out  of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. . .  although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.

How I personally  feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE  ANOTHER.

Now, having said that, let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on  your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8. 

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of  My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday   is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from   home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. Not just during Christmas time, but all through the year. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3.  Instead of writing the president complaining about the wording on the   cards his staff sends out this year, why don't you write and tell him that   you'll be praying for him and his family? Then follow up. It will be nice
  hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here.. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive them.

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless?  Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and  let their employees spend the day at home with their families

8. If  you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one   who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one.. There are individuals and whole families in   your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10.   Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions and words that you are one of mine. Forget how much money someone you know has, or doesn't have. Forget about that. It's not your business. Leave off the gossip. Use your mind for something constructive.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court.

And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember :

I Love You, Jesus

Unemployment and Depression

Record levels of unemployment continue to plague America. More and more individuals are finding that their job search is taking far longer than they could have ever imagined. The stock market continues to vacillate with each passing day and every bit of new information. Financial markets seem to be on the upswing and some analysts say the end of the recession is in sight, yet employment continues to lose ground.

If you, or a friend, are currently experiencing unemployment, you know that one of the major dangers of prolonged unemployment is emotional depression. Today to make it worse, many of the unemployed are people who are simply not accustomed to being unemployed. They are people who have held jobs for as long as they can remember, and are unemployed through no fault of their own. Yet despite their most diligent efforts, very little opportunity is presenting itself.

It's no wonder that more and more of these job seekers are simply dropping out of the job market full of discouragement and depression. It's no wonder that they begin to question their own abilities. They begin to question themselves at their most fundamental level, because as we know, in American society we are what we do.

Are you one of those people, or do you know one of those people? iVillage.com has a quick quiz to find out whether or not you're suffering from unemployment depression. Click the link to find out.

This isn't a column about how to search for a job; I'll save that for later. Today I'm writing about how to keep from becoming so depressed you can't do the things you need to do to find a job. So if you took the quiz and scored that you were bad or even slightly bad because of unemployment, you need to think about what to do to keep from becoming more depressed or perhaps even to pull yourself out of it. It certainly sounds easier than it is, I know that.

But sometimes the simplest solutions are the most effective. Esther November in her column entitled "Unemployment Depression" has five suggestions of things to do to keep yourself from being too preoccupied with being unemployed. "Avoiding the unemployment blues" as she says. Mostly her ideas, and those of other experts, center around focusing on activities other than your job search. It's all too easy, when times get rough, to get focused too intensely on your job search and make yourself crazy.

For some people, it's more than simply feeling bad. Prolonged unemployment for some people can be a long and downhill road to clinical depression. Clinical depression can have physical symptoms as well as emotional symptoms. If you know someone clinically depressed it's important that you encourage them to seek professional assistance from a psychotherapist. Click here for a more formal questionnaire about clinical depression and resources for psychotherapy.

More important than anything else, all experts agree, is to not become discouraged. One way to keep your courage and your spirits up is not to be alone. In addition to reaching out to family and friends as November suggests, many people are finding job clubs, or other types of support groups, to be invaluable. The clubs and groups are helping them avoid the isolation that can come with prolonged unemployment and to maintain their enthusiasm and motivation for their job search and their life in general. Click here to learn more.

If you know someone who's experiencing prolonged unemployment, perhaps for the first time in their life, the best way to be a friend is to keep them occupied in activities that distract them from the difficulties of their job search. By all means support their search efforts, but do your part to provide the other side of the picture to help keep them sane.

If you your self are in danger of succumbing to depression while being unemployed, make your best efforts not to be alone. Whether by support group or by the company of your friends, keep yourself sane. And don't forget a personal coach can keep you motivated, too busy to be depressed, and assist you with your job search strategies.

http://www.manifestationcoaching.com/

Get Thee to a Credit Union

I've gotten so frustrated listening to news stories about banks jacking up interest rates on even their good credit card customers. Even though they got a lot of free money from taxpayers, it's still not enough. Apparently they are trying to get a jump on customers and on legislation that will regulate how they can raise interest rates, and while they can, they're raping their current customers.

This is serious stuff. Banks these days are making tons of profits. They won't let that go willingly and they're desperate. That's why when I hear these stories, I get so frustrated. Hasn't anyone ever heard of a credit union? My mom was a state employee and belonged to the massive state employees' credit union. So I am familiar with credit unions from an early age. To me, they are common. Maybe not to others.

I am certain that the answer to letting the banks pillage you is to give your business to a reputable credit union. I don't hear in the news about credit unions jacking their members, just banks jacking their customers. Note that I said "members" for credit unions, not customers. Therein lays the main and most important difference between a bank and credit union.

Imagine my delight, when I went seeking data to support my opinion, to find it all waiting for me. Someone had actually written a long report on credit unions generally. What caught my eye was their article on credit unions and credit cards; it validated my beliefs. On all important measures, getting your credit cards from a credit union is a no-brainer decision. Interest rates are dramatically lower, penalties are lower, and customer service is better. Since this article was written, credit unions make even more sense.

One area of improvement is in services. Most major credit unions today offer online bill paying and home mortgages, car loans to home equity loans. So stop being a victim. Even though traditionally it was difficult to join a credit union, it's easier than ever to find a credit union.

I strongly encourage joining a credit union and giving them your business. Why support predatory and dishonest behavior in banks even now. Show them how the free market works; take your money elsewhere.

Keeping the Family Afloat in Financial Storms

With rising unemployment and under-employment, family finances are becoming more and more of a challenge. And problem finances can create all kinds of other family problems. But there are ways to deal with family finances head one, without avoiding the painful reality. The first and most important thing to face is that: odds are you're not in as bad financial shape as you think – the problem is probably your attitude about money. Auburn University found that only a small percent of the couples reporting money problems actually had inadequate income. There are ways to change your thinking about money.

Family Meetings. Good family communication starts with the family getting together on a regular basis. Once you've got your family meetings going, you can introduce the family budget as a meeting topic. Manda Turetsky gives us great hints about how to best use family meetings for family budget planning, including measurable goals and priority setting. It's important not to shield family from the realities of life. Hiding creates shame. If you shelter the family from financial realities and responsibilities, you may create the very harm you seek to avoid – more financial problems for them as adults.

Stay Flexible. When trouble hits, Rosemary Lichtman says "stay flexible." That way, you can adjust to what comes rather than letting it overwhelm you. If you're not the one with the outside job in your home, do you know enough about the family finances to take over if necessary? You should. Here's six helpful tips from Lichtman.

Troubling times can mean opportunities for individuals and families. A coach can help you see outside the limits you perceive, and help you See a new future for yourself and your family.

www.ManifestationCoaching.com

The Problem of Positive Thinking?

Barbara Ehrenreich is nothing if not a controversial author, and her latest book Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America takes on our most cherished modern possession: our unlimited (she would say unwarranted) optimism. From preachers telling us God wants to give us success, to professionals in medicine and psychology teaching that we can cure ourselves if we only will, we are constantly told to think positive. In many ways Barbara blames all these happy talkers for our current financial difficulties. According to Barbara, Joel Osteen owes us an apology. As one of the most visible and successful preachers of the contemporary positive thinking movement, he was one of the voices encouraging all of us to keep looking at the bright side, while in reality the housing market couldn't maintain its explosive rise in value, real wages continued to fall, and government regulation gave way to corporate abuse and corruption.

The problem, says Barbara, is that an insistence on positive thinking can grow into a refusal to see things as they are. This has led to middle and lower economic class voters to vote against their interests in favor of the "ruling class" because the power of positive thinking encourages them to assume they can be rich too. She cites Joe the Plumber explaining his opposition to Obama's proposed tax on income of $250,000 or more because when he bought his own business he'd have that income and didn't want to pay more taxes then.

Worse still, this "if you only believe" philosophy makes it easy to blame the victim, who clearly won't get out of their own way. It's a more comfortable world of we can blame the victims for their own misfortune.

You may hear of lot of that kind of happytalk when you work with a coach as well. "Just believe," you'll hear. "The universe is just waiting to fulfill your dreams." You may even think you read that on my web site. But you'd be mistaken. Because dreaming isn't enough. Belief isn't enough. The principles of See, Say, Do require more than mere belief or confidence. Those principles require work and risk and effort. And those principles don't guarantee that you'll always get exactly what you want when you want it. The universe is not a vending machine. You don't just insert a token of belief or affirmation and get dispensed a great life. That would be easy, I'll admit, and I'm sure that's why the philosophy is so popular. But some people are seeking something to believe in and hook themselves up with Secrets and other stuff. Other people are simply seeking a method and technology to make change in their life, not a new religion. In a coach they see a teacher, a trainer, and a motivator, but not a guru.

I guess you can tell that her message resonates with me. Looks like a book I'm going to have to read. You can find this book and others by Barbara (and other interesting and challenging writers) in our web site bookstore. Visit often as we are always adding new material.

www.ManifestationCoaching.com

 

It Makes a Coach’s Heart Swell…

When I started coaching, I viewed it as a great way to use my knowledge to help people, and make a little money on the side. I had no idea just how rewarding being a coach is. There is nothing more satisfying than watching a client succeed at challenges and learn valuable skills and lessons in the process. And when I see two triumphs in a row, I get really excited. That's why some recent phone sessions with a client made me so proud.

My client Bill reports to a VP, let's call him Ron, who loves to micromanage. Not only is it annoying, but Ron's frequently uninformed or worse, misinformed, and makes decisions everyone lives to regret. Bill's latest frustration revolved around a letter. Ron wanted Bill to write to a customer in pretty strong language about a disagreement over their account. Bill knew the customer and knew that a letter like the one Ron wanted would probably lose them the customer – and it was a pretty big customer.

Being a realist, Bill knew that he could just sit back and do "as ordered," and lose the customer, and that if he did so, he would be the one blamed. Bill knew he had to get a different outcome. But how could he get Ron to change his mind? They had already discussed all the reasons why Bill thought it was a bad idea, and Ron reasonably listened to them all, rejected them, and made it clear he would brook no further resistance. He wanted the letter as he ordered. Bill saw no way out. Either he refused a direct order and probably lost his job, or he lost a customer and probably lost his job. That's when he called me.

The first thing Bill had to do was release his panic. And panicked he was. He was already sure he was going to lose his job, his apartment, his car, his girlfriend. He was coming to me to help him prepare to rebuild his life!

After I got Bill to breathe a little bit, he was able to speak in full sentences without gasping and his voice stopped trembling. But his fear was as palpable as ever. He was locked into a dyad of disasters. But at least, finally, he had returned his attention outward instead of focusing inward on his imaginary unfolding traumas.

I was a bit unnerved. I'd never heard him like this. Normally Bill was pretty solid, ambitious but frustrated because he didn't seem to be getting anywhere. Our previous sessions revolved around how to change his approach at work to be more effective and position himself for better opportunities. Bill always seemed to have problems getting his point across, and was frustrated because he felt side-lined.

"Bill," I asked, "Why are those the only two options? Aren't there other possible choices, other possible outcomes?" "Like what," he demanded. Tough question. I didn't have an answer, or at least not one he wanted. "I don't know, but isn't it possible that if you thought about it, you might find one?" I countered. Bill was skeptical but because we had worked together before, he had developed enough trust to try my suggestions despite his skepticism. I reminded Bill about the "see, say, do" we've discussed, and that he needed to work on Seeing. I gave Bill some suggestions for themes to mediate on and for affirmations to write himself before going to sleep. He'd used both techniques successfully in the past.

In the quantum world, every possibility exists simultaneously. Many scientists say that our mind is a quantum device; that we are constantly choosing from among myriad probabilities to create the next moment as we live it. Using that model, specific meditations can open the mind to the infinite possibilities of the quantum universe. Using the unconscious mind for a search eliminates the noise of your physical reality and internal talking. Since time is not relevant in the quantum reality, much work can be done in a little of our time.

Bill didn't need much help. All he really needed was to internalize that there were other choices besides the two he saw presently. Once he had created space for a different alternative, his mind's quantum search found it. He called me the next morning.

"I know what I'm going to do," he said confidently. "Congratulations," I said. "Do you want to talk about it now or debrief afterward?" I asked. "I'll call later and we'll debrief. I've got to get ready for a meeting with Ron. Wish me luck!" he said and hung up. I sat there and realized I didn't know what he had decided. Ah, well, at least he had decided, and Bill sounded better than yesterday.

Later that night when I was almost consumed with curiosity, Bill finally called and in a triumphant voice shared what he had done about the letter. "It was so weird," Bill said. "Once I started the meditation, it was almost like some pressure or something was relieved. Like I had a clogged sinus and then it was clear." Bill went on to explain that the pressure went away when he realized that he wasn't stuck with just the two options he currently saw. Through meditation and affirmation, he reminded himself that he truly does believe he lives in an abundant universe and that out of all infinity, there was another solution out there. For Bill, that's all it took.

"Once I got that there had to be another solution, I almost instantly knew what it was," he said. I call this the "filmstrip effect." Film moves at 24 frames per second; a series of still pictures that pass by a lens too fast for your eye to notice that they are separate pictures. It fills in between each shot so that movement looks continuous. The mind always seeks to fill in those blanks. So Bill didn't need to know what his alternatives would be, he simply had to free his mind from limiting himself to only the options directly in front of him. To create blank space in his reality for his mind to fill with choices.

Bill's solution was ingenious. He walked a middle ground. He wrote a letter that leaned heavily in the direction he wanted, and sent the draft to the VP for review. He included a cover memo that indicated the attached memo was a draft. But here's where he got creative.

He explained to the VP that he drafted the letter as he had done because he was sure it would upset the customer's sensitivities otherwise, and because he wasn't sure that he understood the VP's desires well enough to do something that would likely lose a client.

In the end, the two of them agreed on a message to the customer that expressed the VP's frustrations, but not in a way guaranteed to lose the customer. It ended up being the VP's idea. Well, not really. As the VP explained how Bill had "misunderstood" the VP's desires, he assured Bill that losing a customer was never his desire, and ended up dictating a response very close to Bill's original proposal. He just needed room to change his mind without feeling like he was admitting that he made a mistake. Bill was mature enough to understand that trying to be a know-it-all would not work for this problem, and would probably make it worse.

He was secure enough in his knowledge to pretend that any difficulty with the VP's desires was really his own. In the end, where a prouder person would have insisted on their way and lost the argument, Bill yielded a little and got pretty much what he wanted.

Next time, instead of resisting, seek to understand. For the sake of communication, assume the disconnect is you, and seek more information. You may learn something and change your mind, or the other person might learn something from you but not in a way they cannot accept.

So Bill demonstrated two powerful lessons in his own life. That connecting to the infinite can quiet the animal fear that cages us with artificial limits. And that seeking to understand is the greatest way to change the world.

That's makes coaching worth it.

www.ManifestationCoaching.com

 

Surviving the wave…

As the stock market drops in reaction to disappointing unemployment news, the job market can only get worse in response. In fact, experts are predicting a 10% national unemployment rate by next quarter. Remember when we thought we in California were the unlucky ones with double digit unemployment? It's going national.

That means if you're going to survive, or actually thrive, you must rise above the crowd. You've got to find that thing which makes you uniquely valuable. Whether you're selling a product, an idea, a service, or yourself, supply is outstripping demand on most areas. That means the buyer has a choice – lots of them in fact. So somehow you have to distinguish yourself.

You have the raw material. Mostly you have to start thinking like your desired customer. Learn their vocabulary, their concerns. Tell them the things about you that will speak to those issues.

This little blog article is too short to go into great detail about applying competitive advantage
analysis to various situations. But there's a step before the analysis, and that's freeing your vision. As challenging as the analysis can be, freeing your vision and throwing down your preconceptions about yourself and the world is really a test!

In his Life Optimizer blog, Donald Latumahina gives hints for finding opportunities, but what he's really talking about is opening your creative eyes. That's the first step to thinking differently, and thinking differently is the next step to creating real change in your life.

http://www.manifestationcoaching.com/

Bells are ringing….

…and all around the country, colleges are gearing up for adults returning to school. Nothing terribly new about that, except that now, colleges are preparing for the older adult returning to school. Whether to reinvent themselves and pursue the passion or dream deferred – art, poetry, carpentry, etc. – or to simply survive by getting new marketable skills as retirement expenses mount up far beyond what was anticipated, older adults are expected to significantly increase their numbers in colleges. Some schools have gone so far as to create "older adult colleges."

Whatever the reasons for returning, facing college for the first time, or the first time in a long time, can be a daunting and intimidating experience. If you're getting to higher education as an adult, here's a few survival tips to remember as you begin.

Start slow. Experts suggest that you begin with classes you enjoy, or with a low homework load. School is demanding both mentally and physically. If you're unaccustomed to the exertion, you'll want to give yourself time to adjust. Don't over-commit yourself and end up struggling from the very beginning.

Give yourself good rest. You may not feel it the first day or two, but classes and studying will take their toll. Be sure that you take time to rest and recharge. Remember that it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Ask questions. No matter how shy you may have been before today, ask every question that comes to mind from today onward. Even if you've heard it before, it bears repeating: there's no such thing as stupid questions. Professors love questions; questions confirm that at least someone in the class is awake and listening. When I returned to school, it was assumed that I knew what I needed to know. Fortunately, I was comfortable with the web and the information I needed was there. But sometimes no matter how hard you look, you simply can't find what you need. Ask. Always ask. Ask a fellow student, a professor, an administrator, a student counselor, ask. Schools are vast bureaucracies, and some mistakes can have serious impacts.

Know your instructors. Learn about the instructors who teach your important subjects or classes. Read their biographies or resumes if available. Google them. Check out their college web page. Ask fellow students. Introduce yourself. You don't have to make a big deal about it, but always try to make a point of meeting your instructors. Don't simply be a face in the crowd; you'll enhance your learning experience and probably increase your grade a little too. If you have family or work obligations that might interfere with your attendance, be sure to take the time to mention it to your professor. He or she will appreciate the warning and may be a little more sensitive to your needs.

Shake a lot of hands. There's something about the shared experience of school that creates unique bonds. Despite their youth, many of my study partners from law school, with whom I shared many a hot, torpid, airless study room in the library, are still friends ten years later. Don't be too freaked out by the difference in age. Most of my colleagues in law school were young enough to be my kids – my youngest kids. I was one of the oldest in my class. Interestingly, I was given no credit or debit for my age. The first time I felt a part of the crowd, so to speak, was after being particularly lucky and brilliant in class early in the first semester. After demonstrating my legal prowess, I was accepted. Ultimately, though my age wasn't unnoticed or ignored (it made for too many good jokes), it wasn't important. I tested my intellect and skills against the brightest and best of the generation, and came out looking pretty decent. Once I stopped comparing myself to them (a comparison unfair to both them and me), I found most of my school mates to be frighteningly smart, committed and way more cool than I was at their age. That was good for me.

Don't expect perfection. You probably haven't pulled an all-nighter in a long time. So maybe your first grade or two, or three, aren't as good as you expected. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you start feeling bad about your educational experience right from the start, you'll find it a difficult and unsatisfying journey. First, remember that you're out of practice. Remember too that if you're really challenging yourself, you won't get easy grades. As Mario Andretti the famous race car driver said: "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." Give yourself a break. Let yourself enjoy the experience. There's no mom or dad waiting at home to ground you for not getting an "A."

You will succeed, but remember that no matter what your grades are, you are there for the knowledge not the grades. If you are getting the knowledge, but not the grades, don't beat yourself up. If you're getting the grades but not the knowledge, you're just wasting your time. It's not about the grades. After you graduate, few people will actually ask you about your grades – mostly potential employers and rude people. Everyone will want to see that you learned something.

Keep going. I said it before, I'll say it again. Getting a degree is a marathon, not a sprint. That means there will be days when you feel like chucking the whole thing. When you wonder what you were thinking when you decided to get a degree at your age. When you look at your homework and realize that you don't understand it and you're going to get a terrible grade. When you're so tired from getting kicked at the office you just don't have one more ounce of energy for a classroom. Keep going. When I was pulling all night pre-final cram sessions, and again as I voraciously crammed before the bar exam, I kept telling myself "you only have to do this once, keep going." For me, it meant narrowing my field of vision until it contained only school. Not socializing. Not vacations. Just school. I told myself it was only three years. In three years, I'd be three years older no matter what I did. Would I be older with a doctorate? Damn right.

Even if you're trying to get to the end of the week or semester, tell yourself you only walk this way once. You won't get a chance here again whether you want it or not. You only walk here once. Keep going. If you're pursuing a degree, there is no almost. Either you do what is necessary or you don't get it. "Do, or do not. There is no 'try'." Says Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back.

So keep going. Ask for help when you need it. Don't be shy. Most of life isn't designed for you to attempt it all on your own. The universe has put assistance all along the way if you just seek it out. But above all else, keep going. It's a dramatic statement, but Winston Churchill put it well when he said "Never give in - never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense."

So that's it -- six simple strategies that will make your introduction to adult education survivable and even enjoyable. One more important resource to consider is your coach. Balancing the demands of education, home, work, family, and self is challenging in the best of circumstances. For most of us, it's downright hard. Your coach can help you envision new solutions and approaches to old problems. Your coach can help you identify necessary detours and re-routes, and prevent you from wasting time on things you cannot impact. Whether you go it alone, or supercharge your progress with a coach, you have the power to make the journey and win the prize. With focus and persistence, you cannot fail.  Check out my web site at manifestationcoaching.com for more information.

Take Care of Yourself...

Ah ... at last the weekend is here.  Time to catch up on all those chores you don't have time for during the week, right?  Maybe, but don't forget to take time for yourself too.  And I don't just mean sleeping late (though that's one of my favorite weekend vices), I mean actually getting some rest ... proper mind-nurturing rest.  Tel Asiado talks about the three key components to recharging yourself:  rest, sleep, relax.  Note that resting and relaxing are different in his mind.  How would they differ for you?

We all know that good sleep is important, but how many of us can say we get it?  Stealth Health has 24 ways to get better sleep.  For more about good sleep, check our the Sleep Foundation.

How many of us curl up with a good book and a snack, only to find ourselves well-read and overweight?  Relaxing and snacking for many of us (me, for example) are inextricable.  But it doesn't have to be that way.  Geneen Roth talks about how to enjoy your downtime without turning to food.

The spiritually minded say God rested on the 7th day to show us how important rest is. Chaplain Campbell says we were created for rest, and that it allows us to "recreate" our energy and creativity.  And whether you're spiritual or not, it's hard to disagree with Jewish rabbis who say that God rested on the sabbath to teach us that "work is not an end in and of itself."

Summer is ending, school is starting, and the holidays will be on us before we know it.  Be sure to take time for yourself.  Renergize, reflect.  You'll benefit and so will those who depend on you.

It's the Little Things...

Just like in the fractal universe, life's most important lessons can come from little tiny things because the big things work the same way. 

Sometimes when we start looking to teach self-empowerment, and reality creation, and demanding success, etc., we go for the big examples.  Life changing examples.  Dramatic examples.  They make good reading, but unfortunately, most readers don't identify with them.  For most of us, life is not that dramatic.  For most of us, life is a series of banal but important decisions, each of which stacks up on the next to create our daily reality.  There is no major event on which to hang our changed life.  Instead, we usually change our lives by making small daily decisions differently.  But that means we are experts in change creation, we just get intimidated when the desired change is perceived as "big."  But it's all the same.

Example.  I've been hating my new cell phone.  I had to get a particular model to be compatible at work; it was the only one at the time.  I didn't like the phone.  It froze up, constantly needed to be reset, made pocket calls, etc.  I wanted to replace it with the latest model which is greatly improved but I couldn't get the cell phone company discount for another 15 months.  And they wouldn't refund my old phone because I'd had it too long.  So, I was almost resolved to simply put up with the annoyance and inconvenience and wait until next year to upgrade.

Then, I read my own stuff.  I refused to accept my surrender as the only option.  I wasn't sure what the other options were, but I demanded that there be other options.  Once I left room in my head for achieving my objective some other way, I found that way -- eBay.  I got the exact phone I wanted, used but in pristine condition, for less than the cheapest cell phone company price, even discounted.  Once I'm sure I like this phone, I'll sell my old one, and the total replacement cost will be even less.

Seems simple, doesn't it.  But look deep into the fractal, and what do you see?  Before you can even consider other options, you first have to demand that they exist.  Before you can do that, you have to want options, you have to refuse to accept the status quo.  Trust me, it's a huge long-shot that you'll see other options without demanding them and looking for them.

Now, the thing about fractals is that they are in micro exactly as they are in macro.  Life is like that, both figuratively and literally.  If this technique can work for this little thing, it can work for your big thing.  You can use the micro as a pattern for the macro.  Moving a pebble is easier than moving a boulder, but you employ the same basic methods.  Practice on the small for power over the big.

We Owe Them

More bad news on the work front. Though not as bad as it could be, for which we should be thankful I guess.  As this Labor Day holiday approaches, it seems appropriate to think about work and how it affects our lives.  And about who has work and who doesn't.

Despite being the most productive work force in the world, there are still a substantial number of workers or retired workers who fall into poverty every year.  As Donna McDaniel points out, almost 10% of social security dependent retirees fall below the national poverty line.  Is that the future of today's worker?

There are ways to cope with this rampant skills inflation and wage deflation.  You have to stay competitive.  You have to keep your skills honed.  You have to find your competitive advantage.

Sherrie Gong Taguchi has ten tips for giving a great interview.  Dave Willmer writing to IT professionals has something to say to all of us when he reminds us not to neglect the so-called "soft" skills such as leadership, or public speaking.  Marla Gottschalk has tips about keeping the job you have, and if that fails, finding a new one.

Most important though, is to not forget where Labor Day came from, and the people whose sacrifices made it possible.  You may not know that the September holiday was created to divert attention from labor activists and the Haymarket Massacre because activists had been identified as "socialists" due to their anti-capitalist anti-robber baron and labor organizing activities.  Recall that back then, organized labor was equated with anti-Americanism.

So before you light up the barbeque, think for a minute about the thousands of workers who dedicated their lives, and sometimes gave up their lives, so that you could have a weekend every week, and so that you can go home after 8 or so hours of work per day.  Much of what was won for workers by labor activists has finally been embodied into law in most states, so today we tend to think of unions and labor activists as anachronisms or only for the lowest class immigrant laborer. 

Around the world, labor activists die daily.  Google "labor leader killed" and you get 814,000 entries from countries all around the world.  So while the labor struggle may have gotten quieter and more polite in the US, it's still a deadly serious struggle around the rest of the world.

When you hoist those margaritas, hoist them once in a toast to those brave labor leaders to whom we owe so much.

What Did You Do Right Today?

What did you do right today? Don't think. Just answer. I'll bet you can't. Not without thinking about it. Like most people, you're preoccupied with getting the kids dressed, feeding all the animals including the dear domestic other, getting yourself cleaned and dressed, getting to work on time (especially because they left you with an empty gas tank), getting the bills paid, running, running, running, running.

We live most of our lives set to "next." The next task, the next appointment, the next bill, the next meeting, the next class, and on and on.

Occasionally, we need to dial back to "now." Pull the car over from this grand road trip. Get out, stretch your legs. Put your hands on your hips, lean back and take a deep breath. Get a load of that scenery! Take it all in. Get a 180. Look all around you. Look back where you came from; check out what's on either side of you. Shade your eyes, squint, and see how far ahead you can see right from where you're standing.

Now check out the car. Walk around it. Kick the tires, check the tread.

Now that I've belabored the analogy, I think you get my meaning. No matter how sure you are of where you're going, don't forget to take a break and just get a feel for now. Does the course you're on feel right no matter what the map says? How do you feel physically? Have you noted how much progress you've made?

No matter how confident we are in our ultimate success, and no matter how much we tell ourselves that the journey is as important as the destination, we want to see success. The spirit can live on hope alone. The flesh needs to occasionally see results and progress.

It's a waste of time (not to mention discouraging!) to focus only on what task you didn't get done, or what chore is still on your list. Right now, we're looking at now.

So for just this moment, instead of looking at where your light didn't shine today, ask where did it shine? What did you do right today? This is no new age feel-good theory. It's common sense. You can't do more of what's right if you don't know what right looks like to begin with.

Once you start looking to see where your light shined today (and everyday), you will discover a whole side of yourself you never knew about. But that's another subject for a future post.

What do you think?  Click on Comments below to share your thoughts.

See, Say, Do

Someone asked me the other day if I could summarize manifestation coaching and the manifestation process without using a ton of jargon. I really had to think about it. But then, it came to me. "See, say, do."

I've always said that at its simplest, manifestation is a three-step process. But I've always struggled with how to capture the essence of those three steps as simply as possible. Interestingly, I couldn't do it until someone else posed the challenge. But there it is. See, say, do.

See – you see the world around you with clarity. You see paths and choices. You see your desires with clarity. Fuzzy thinking gets fuzzy results.

Say – You commit to the path. Choose. Envisioning choices leads to choosing. Say it. Give it life in the world around you. Express the desire. Articulate your power. Clothe and feed the dream until it takes on a life of its own.

Do – and to complete the cycle, you have to do what is necessary. Live in the direction of the dream, consciously creating the path as you walk.

See – Say – Do

Three simple steps.

More Shining Light

Last post I talked about how it’s hard to keep your light dimmed, since it naturally wants to shine. Then the very next day I heard a radio article about Django Reinhardt and it caught my attention.

If you don’t know, Reinhardt was a gypsy (really!) jazz guitarist who created a new sound, and generally blew away his contemporaries and continues to inspire generations of jazz guitarists today.

What I learned from the radio was that when 18 years old, Reinhardt was caught in a house fire that severely burned over half his body. A leg was badly burned (doctors wanted to amputate) and two fingers of his left hand were paralyzed. He refused the amputation and was walking with a cane within a year.

He also ignored those who said he would never play guitar again. With the new guitar his brother bought him, Reinhardt relearned to play guitar with his damaged hand, in the process creating a new, unique, and tremendously popular jazz style.

See, the talent was in there, struggling to get out. What if he had listened to everyone and stopped playing? He would have stopped the talent – not the fire. When he decided that not playing was unacceptable he became a musician again.

Life throws what sometimes seem like insurmountable obstacles in our way, and the tendency is to give up. But this is a lesson that nothing is insurmountable. Certainly the journey may not go the way you originally expected. Django didn’t expect to get caught in a fire. He didn’t expect to create a whole new way of playing a guitar either. All he knew at the time was that not playing was unacceptable.

Once he decided not to give up, his light found a way.

Sometimes all you need to do is get out of the way of your light.

You Can’t Hide Your Light

After a recent visit with my sister and my niece, her daughter, I started reflecting on the nature of personality and its manifestations. My nieces are out of their teens now, and growing into beautiful women, taking after their mother. But it's their maturing that got me thinking.

They are smart, assertive, forceful young women. Their mother is too, though she's only now learning it. In fact, as I look at my family, we all live in vastly differing life circumstances, and have had divergent paths growing up from a dysfunctional alcoholic start.

Yet in each case, now confirmed by the next generation, there's a streak of stubborn independence and force of will, sharp thinking, and incisive wit. We'd be a difficult lot to deal with if we weren't also so lovable!

My point is that no matter what life throws at you, or you bring on yourself, there's no point to worrying about "losing yourself." You can't. And if you're convinced that you need to engage in the so-called search for yourself, forget it. You're not lost. You'd be like Peter Pan looking for his shadow. It's right behind you.

In fact, I'm thinking that your "self" will make itself known no matter what you do. You express yourself with every move, every breath, and every thought. So maybe thinking time is better spent on "what you can you for the world" rather than "expressing yourself." The important question is what do you have to express? In life as in the internet, content rules. No matter how crude the delivery, good content wins every time.

So, whether you're sweating before speaking to a crowd, jittery as you wait for a job interview, or nervous before stepping on stage, focus on the content … the message … and your joy in delivering it. Everything else will take care of itself. You can count on it. In fact, you can't stop it.