When I started coaching, I viewed it as a great way to use my knowledge to help people, and make a little money on the side. I had no idea just how rewarding being a coach is. There is nothing more satisfying than watching a client succeed at challenges and learn valuable skills and lessons in the process. And when I see two triumphs in a row, I get really excited. That's why some recent phone sessions with a client made me so proud.
My client Bill reports to a VP, let's call him Ron, who loves to micromanage. Not only is it annoying, but Ron's frequently uninformed or worse, misinformed, and makes decisions everyone lives to regret. Bill's latest frustration revolved around a letter. Ron wanted Bill to write to a customer in pretty strong language about a disagreement over their account. Bill knew the customer and knew that a letter like the one Ron wanted would probably lose them the customer – and it was a pretty big customer.
Being a realist, Bill knew that he could just sit back and do "as ordered," and lose the customer, and that if he did so, he would be the one blamed. Bill knew he had to get a different outcome. But how could he get Ron to change his mind? They had already discussed all the reasons why Bill thought it was a bad idea, and Ron reasonably listened to them all, rejected them, and made it clear he would brook no further resistance. He wanted the letter as he ordered. Bill saw no way out. Either he refused a direct order and probably lost his job, or he lost a customer and probably lost his job. That's when he called me.
The first thing Bill had to do was release his panic. And panicked he was. He was already sure he was going to lose his job, his apartment, his car, his girlfriend. He was coming to me to help him prepare to rebuild his life!
After I got Bill to breathe a little bit, he was able to speak in full sentences without gasping and his voice stopped trembling. But his fear was as palpable as ever. He was locked into a dyad of disasters. But at least, finally, he had returned his attention outward instead of focusing inward on his imaginary unfolding traumas.
I was a bit unnerved. I'd never heard him like this. Normally Bill was pretty solid, ambitious but frustrated because he didn't seem to be getting anywhere. Our previous sessions revolved around how to change his approach at work to be more effective and position himself for better opportunities. Bill always seemed to have problems getting his point across, and was frustrated because he felt side-lined.
"Bill," I asked, "Why are those the only two options? Aren't there other possible choices, other possible outcomes?" "Like what," he demanded. Tough question. I didn't have an answer, or at least not one he wanted. "I don't know, but isn't it possible that if you thought about it, you might find one?" I countered. Bill was skeptical but because we had worked together before, he had developed enough trust to try my suggestions despite his skepticism. I reminded Bill about the "see, say, do" we've discussed, and that he needed to work on Seeing. I gave Bill some suggestions for themes to mediate on and for affirmations to write himself before going to sleep. He'd used both techniques successfully in the past.
In the quantum world, every possibility exists simultaneously. Many scientists say that our mind is a quantum device; that we are constantly choosing from among myriad probabilities to create the next moment as we live it. Using that model, specific meditations can open the mind to the infinite possibilities of the quantum universe. Using the unconscious mind for a search eliminates the noise of your physical reality and internal talking. Since time is not relevant in the quantum reality, much work can be done in a little of our time.
Bill didn't need much help. All he really needed was to internalize that there were other choices besides the two he saw presently. Once he had created space for a different alternative, his mind's quantum search found it. He called me the next morning.
"I know what I'm going to do," he said confidently. "Congratulations," I said. "Do you want to talk about it now or debrief afterward?" I asked. "I'll call later and we'll debrief. I've got to get ready for a meeting with Ron. Wish me luck!" he said and hung up. I sat there and realized I didn't know what he had decided. Ah, well, at least he had decided, and Bill sounded better than yesterday.
Later that night when I was almost consumed with curiosity, Bill finally called and in a triumphant voice shared what he had done about the letter. "It was so weird," Bill said. "Once I started the meditation, it was almost like some pressure or something was relieved. Like I had a clogged sinus and then it was clear." Bill went on to explain that the pressure went away when he realized that he wasn't stuck with just the two options he currently saw. Through meditation and affirmation, he reminded himself that he truly does believe he lives in an abundant universe and that out of all infinity, there was another solution out there. For Bill, that's all it took.
"Once I got that there had to be another solution, I almost instantly knew what it was," he said. I call this the "filmstrip effect." Film moves at 24 frames per second; a series of still pictures that pass by a lens too fast for your eye to notice that they are separate pictures. It fills in between each shot so that movement looks continuous. The mind always seeks to fill in those blanks. So Bill didn't need to know what his alternatives would be, he simply had to free his mind from limiting himself to only the options directly in front of him. To create blank space in his reality for his mind to fill with choices.
Bill's solution was ingenious. He walked a middle ground. He wrote a letter that leaned heavily in the direction he wanted, and sent the draft to the VP for review. He included a cover memo that indicated the attached memo was a draft. But here's where he got creative.
He explained to the VP that he drafted the letter as he had done because he was sure it would upset the customer's sensitivities otherwise, and because he wasn't sure that he understood the VP's desires well enough to do something that would likely lose a client.
In the end, the two of them agreed on a message to the customer that expressed the VP's frustrations, but not in a way guaranteed to lose the customer. It ended up being the VP's idea. Well, not really. As the VP explained how Bill had "misunderstood" the VP's desires, he assured Bill that losing a customer was never his desire, and ended up dictating a response very close to Bill's original proposal. He just needed room to change his mind without feeling like he was admitting that he made a mistake. Bill was mature enough to understand that trying to be a know-it-all would not work for this problem, and would probably make it worse.
He was secure enough in his knowledge to pretend that any difficulty with the VP's desires was really his own. In the end, where a prouder person would have insisted on their way and lost the argument, Bill yielded a little and got pretty much what he wanted.
Next time, instead of resisting, seek to understand. For the sake of communication, assume the disconnect is you, and seek more information. You may learn something and change your mind, or the other person might learn something from you but not in a way they cannot accept.
So Bill demonstrated two powerful lessons in his own life. That connecting to the infinite can quiet the animal fear that cages us with artificial limits. And that seeking to understand is the greatest way to change the world.
That's makes coaching worth it.
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